I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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