You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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