he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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