we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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