i dedicated my morning wood to you.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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