Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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