3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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