Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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