GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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