i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
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