Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
