look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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