Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
