Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
