I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
When did angry sex become our thing?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
