you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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