She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
