Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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