Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
