how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
