last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
