the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
