i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
