my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
