So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
