I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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