and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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