We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
