if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
