Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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