Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
