i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
