I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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