went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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