My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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