Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
