I just threw up on my dentist
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
