if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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