this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
