i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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