if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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