im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
