did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
