the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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