I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
