you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
