Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
