I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
