I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
