my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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