Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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